Where Is My Faith

Matt. 17:20 “And He said to them, “Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to his mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.” (NASB)

I am suffering right now. I have a lot on my plate. I have a lot on my mind. I am in God’s Word searching for answers. I am on my knees in prayer.

I have been sick this past week, well not only this past week but the past 3 months. Not sick with a cold but sick in the heart. Sick with fear. Sick with depression. Sick with anxiety.

Much has gone on with my wife being sick. She’s on the road to recovery but it has been hard for her. Now our finances are close to being in the ruins, are in the crapper, biting the big one, in other words big time serious trouble. I have the fear of losing our home.

I can’t journal any more. I have no desire to blog. Every day I am having a hard time writing. I am not energetic. I just don’t have the fire or desire to write anything at any time.

I am even ashamed to say I am having a difficult time going out and preaching the Gospel. I am having a difficult time going out and hitting the streets with my street ministry. I am having a difficult time helping people who need it most.

Some say don’t worry about it, you’re in a dry season. I disagree with them. I think my problem is more harsh than that.

Deep down inside I already know this and I know it is not right. But I can tell I am suffering greatly with my faith right now. Doubt is overwhelming me. It has consumed me to the point I am dead and useless to God. At least that is how I feel.

God doesn’t want that. God is whispering in my ear to give everything to Him and then trust in Him fully. But right now I just can’t do it. I am holding on to my problems with the grip of death and just won’t let go.

God wants to bless me with the desires of my heart. But first I need to trust in Him. Yes, He is working on me. Maybe you can say He is pulling me backwards through the knothole.

Faith, as the Bible teaches it, is faith in God coming against everything that contradicts Him—a faith that says, “I will remain true to God’s character whatever He may do.” I am struggling mightaly with that.

I believe Job had the highest and the greatest expression of faith in the whole Bible,
Job 13:15 “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.” (NIV)

Faith by its very nature must be tested and tried.

James 1:3 “knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurence.” (NASB)